SAPPORO
aka The Fridgeious Eatious
A long time ago, when our heroes were very young, all three* were members of the Original Walmer Sixth form. In those days the sixth form had to live in a common room/mobile away from the rest of the school, this allowed the boys to play cricket and make as much noise as they wanted.
*Except For Rodger was off sick with migraines on the very first and very last day, so he never signed up, or signed out officially.
Someone found a fridge for the common room/mobile, which was great, cause Matt could keep his huge reserves of food cool, and Iain could stash his Stella here. Everything was hunky dory until one day it was discovered that the food in the fridge had been eaten by some kind of 'animal'.
As Matt tried to fix all the mugs he broke playing cricket Ioni inspected the fridge closer. He found out that the animal had eaten not only the food, but had eaten its way into the fridge itself through its metal casing! Using all of his wisdom and shorecasting techniques Iain was able to draw a kind of 'photo fit' picture of the only beast capable of causing such devastation, It was a Fridgious Eatious... and it looked like this...
FRIDGEIOUS EATIOUS exibit A
The above picture clearly shows a number of the chief characteristics of this dangerous foe, which is part animal, part machine. You can see...
the razor-sharp teeth: useD to eat away at the structure of the fridge
THE wheels: which give it stunning maneuverability
the infared eyes: which allow it to operate in all kinds of light and weather conditions
THE AIR INTAKES: On its sides which keep its internal workings and organs cool
THE TAIL: Which allows it to balance and doubles as an offensive weapon, meaning that it cannot be attacked from any direction
THE ARIAL / ANTENNA on its head: originally believed to send subsonic waves to crack open extra reinforced fridges, it is only recently that the true horror of this has become clear (see Below).
Iain has managed to gather the following in depth information on the beast:
'They are right wing facist's who care about the enviroment, They attack fridges to get rid of the harmfull CFC gases. They also been known to launch attacks against the midgets at the midget farm in Ripple. They are very much like U-boats, they hunt in wolf packs.'
On the physical make up of the beast Ioin explains that...
'They are a Bio-Machine, with jet impulsion units, radar and a GP unit, but they have a family feeling'.
A made up story of something living in the fridge would read like the following parable: Look...
(chords C, D)
Something's living in the Fridge,
Deep inside below the ridge,
Matt says its a little mouse,
And he's using it as his house.
(chords A, E)
Open it slowly, he's living their,
Making his nest from pubic hair,
He lives on the scraps we leave behind,
Like bread crumbs, lice and orange rind.
Shall we leave him alone to sleep,
Within the fridge, warm and deep,
When its cold outside, and snowing hard,
He's safe in his home of fluff and card.
Iain says hes gonna catch the sod,
He got his fishing hat, bait and rod,
He's got the line around his neck,
He should've used his fishing net.
Matt says he'll have a go,
He lifts the fridge above his torso,
But then his back goes,
He's failed also.
Now Iains got a gun, a blunderbuss I think,
He's aiming up towards the fridge,
But a growling comes from deep inside,
We all prepare to run and hide.
The fridge door opens with a clout,
Iain faints and big Matt shouts,
It wasn't a mouse all this time,
But Gary in a wheel chair with a tin of brine.
'Piss Off' he shouts very loud,
As he waves his stick high and proud,
His balloon is fixed to his chair with string,
And an old, old song he starts to sing.
The moral of this story's true,
It may not be a mousey poo,
Check the fridge everyday,
It could be Gaz with Balloon and hay.
Like all parables, none of the above rhyme is true.
But the FRIDGEIOUS EATIOUS is, and are.
They are very real, and if you are a fridge, you should be very scared. Look here's another one!
This one is extremely pissed because, as he says 'its really hard to invade russia in the winter', and he is of course right. Obviously a veteran of many campaigns he is wearing a type of Prussian Helmet from the Great War.
The most worrying recent development in this tale occurred as Matt sat down in 2002 with his World Cup Panini sticker album. As he scanned the pictures, he found out that something unbelievable was happening. The great Queen of The FRIDGEIOUS EATIOUS race had made her nest in Japan!!!*
* Frank loose 13 points for use of the world Japan.
Here is photographic evidence of this stunning event.
How had she got away with this? It is quite incredible. Full investigations into the above pictures are still being made, but here is what we know so far...
SAPPORO: is the name of that this enormous creature is using.
the razor-sharp teeth: Cannot be seen on her. its suggested that her size means these are unnecessary and that rather than attacking fridges herself, the fridgeious eatious bring back food to her which she takes in through the huge feeding pipe in her face, before digesting.
THE wheels: are missing also. It seems that she has become so massively bloated that she doesn't need to move, and that she needs to stay stationary in order to keep reproducing and to protect her eggs.
the infared eyes: Unlike the normal fridgeious eatious she has three eyes on both side of her head. this would give her hypersensitive vision, enabling her to control and direct her offspring over huge distances.
THE AIR INTAKES: On her sides cannot be seen. this could mean that they either not their, or more likely retracted for gestation.
THE TAIL: is likely to be curled under her body. this gives warmth and extra protection to the nest.
THE ARIAL / ANTENNA on its head: appears to have become one with the feeding tube on her head. Its now thought that the aerials on the smaller fridgeious eatious allow Sapporo to communicate with them over massive distances. i.e. Japan to walmer / Dresden.
SILVER HIDE: Look closely and you can see that the above pictures clearly show a kind of silver skin/hide on Sapporo. this explains why fridgeious eatious often carry off portions of their prey. it seems that fridge pieces (in particular the silver stuff on the back of them) are used to protect Sapporo and the nest from the high temperatures of Japan.
Most shocking is the size of the nest thought to be situated under SAPPORO, estimated by Panini to be
42,000!!!!
At this time we do not advise panic action, instead regular inspections of your fridge can help reduce the chance of attack. Much of the above is speculation and details remain sketchy. Stay alert.
***BREAKING NEWS***BREAKING NEWS***
During Rodgers recent trip to Swindon he was horrified to find a Sapporo Restaurant, which you can see here...
Upon closer inspection Rodger discovered that the restaurant stocked a huge range of fridges and the odd hob. He believed that Fridgeous Eatious were traveling to here from many miles around to savor the delicacies on offer.
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