Deal


	DEAL Is a great town on the South East Coast of England, and this whole section of the web site is dedicated to it. It is the wonderful place where 3lb BASS live, and it influences their work, and they in turn influence it. "DEAL IS GREAT, DEAL IS BRILL DEAL ISN'T SITUATED ON A HILL!" Deal is 300 years old, has 52 pubs, and loads of famous people have decided to make the town their home. Here is a question and answer segment with Rommel that should tell you all that you need to know about this wonderful town. "ACHTUNG, ICH BIN ROMMEL. DUST ANY PHAMUOS PHOLK LIVE GERREDERHOUSE DEAL, BITTE?" Yes Rommel, lots of famous people live in Deal. Here are some: * A bloke from the Bill. * Neil Stuke (Spelling?) aka 'Matthew' from 'Game On'. * The 'Demolition 2' team from Robot Wars. * Bloke from the 'Britass Empire' * Big Nevil Southall * Alan Yates, World Champion Fisherman * Bungie * Friday Wilson out of STAR WARS: Phantom Menace * 3lb BASS * Sid * Eric Bristo is probably up the Mill. * Brian from 'SPACED' * Joss Stones Nan (Who printed the original 3lb BASS t-shirts!!!) In addition to all that, these people have lived in in the past: * Major Ken * Roger Moore Admiral Nelson and his Miss's The guy from the Carry On Films with the glasses Ian Flemming Eric Bristo Norman Wisdom Julius Cesaer landed in Deal, The Queen mum used to live in Walmer Castle (not the pub), "HELLO, ICH BIN ROMMEL. VOT PLACES OF INTEREST UNT BEAUTY KAN ICH VISIT AUF DEAL, BITTE?"* Well Rommel, there are many places of beauty and interest to visit in Deal. Here are a few to get you started... DEAL PIER Deal pier is very cool. At the entrance to the pier is a huge Statue of Alan Yates in a boat, holding a BASS of about 3lb. One of the 2 shops at the start of the pier sells China, Vietnam and other stuff. The other shop is Steve Almarks 'Channel Angling'. Fishing Sorcerer Iain recommends this plaice for bait. The pier had its legs fixed last summer which is great, cause it will be around for ever now. Rumours still live on that they are gonna do a lot of work on the cafe and the pier end, so we shall see. Walk along the pier and talk to the fishermen. Have a meal (breakfast is best), at the cafe on the end. Look out for the 'European power socket mountian' DON'T jump off unless you are a 'summer chav' LOOK OUT FOR: Alan Yates and Steve Almark. The native Aquatic Pidgeon. You should visit the pier in the early evening when the view of the sunset over the town is the best thing ever. DEAL CASTLE Is lovely and has a mote. If you get a helicopter and look down on it from above it looks like a rose. The castle was built by Axel Rose (from Guns n Roses) in 1989 to celebrate the bands success. He still visits the castle during the summer. LOOK OUT FOR: Axel, and Mr Pika Waters stuck up the chimney. Andy also claims to have got stuck up a chimney inhere, which means that this is either a serious safety issue, or one of them is lying. WALMER CASTLE Has lovely gardens. The Queen Mother used to be 'aired' here during the summer as it is the official residence of the Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports. Which I cant spell. More important is the car park opposite which is often frequented by 3lb BASS in the middle of the night. You should lay on the path in a big long line and look at the stars. If you are throwing mini chedders at each other becareful, 'cause their is a fox up here who will creep up on you and eat your debris. LOOK OUT FOR: On the walk to the Castle along the Sea front look out for the big plaque. This marks the place where Julius Caesar Landed in 546 BC. This was a Thursday. He wanted to visit the Maritime Museum, but it was shut. THE MARITIME MUSEUM Is never actually open. But it has nice blue doors. LOOK OUT FOR: Burney Winters and his dog Shnorbits, they live in the flat above the Museum. "RADDIERGUMMI, ICH BIN ROMMEL. ICH MOCHTE EINE BIER. IST DER ZIER GUT PUBS AUF DEAL, BITTE?" Yes Rommel, there are plenty of great pubs to visit in Deal. Infact Deal has 64 pubs, more pubs than postboxes in fact! THE RAILWAY R.I.P Best pub in the world ever. It has a pool table, A jukebox (with 'Out of Time' on it) and Darts too. It doesn't shut until 3 in the morning if your good. It sells cheap beer which is very nice. It also has 2 sections: The left which is cozy and homely. The Right has the pool table and is a little more lively. DON'T GO to this pub if you are a Muppet. A good plan is to start a night out at the 'Railway'. Then jump on a train down to the town. On a Friday one leaves for the town at 9:19. Go to the front and you wont have to pay as the guard wont get that far. LOOK OUT FOR: Mad Postman, Women who snogs everyone, Matt & Iain. Beer mats with pictures of Iain, Chris Plats, Colin's dad and Erol on them. One of Iain is situated high up in the men's toilets. They also keep a sword 3lb BASS used when they dressed up a pirates, and Mr Pika's model of Deal Pier (which is very big). *ATTENTION* THE RAILWAY HAS BEEN REFURBISHED AND HAS LOST ALL OF THE ABOVE IN THE PROCESS. THE ONLY SAFE COURSE OF ACTION HAS BEEN TO ABSTAIN FROM THE PUB RATHER THAN SOIL ITS MEMORY. We arnt saying that you shouldn't go, it may be very nice, its just that we cant. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! THE HOLE IN THE ROOF Is more of a wine bar than a pub, except most people drink beer. The beer is good and the barmaids are lovely. Jeff worked here for a bit, she used to sing for I.M.S. and has tasted Iain, Magic, Mr Pika and Frank. Avoid this pub if they have a 'Private Function' on. Best to visit it during the week when you used to get free Tortilla chips n dips, that has stopped now, so you have to get mini chedders (their is an emergancy packet hidden behind the fruit machine) The real name of this pub is 'DEINE HOLE MIT KEINE RADIERGUMMI'. It is a German theme pub. Their is a huge picture of Goering in the blokes loo. Sit on the left hand side of the pub and entertain yourself with the volume measuring device above the doorframe. If you make it peak for 3 seconds all the power goes off. BREAKING NEWS!! The Hole In The Roof is been refurbished and has lost all the paintings, including the 'sky' and the baby cherub who I always thought was holding a pint of Guiness. The seats that were put in when the pub first changed from The Swan many years ago have gone too. This is a shame because many of them were marked by 'battle honours' from nights when we used to go here. We don't really know what the new look for this pub is trying to achieve, we will do a fuller review when we have had more chance to examine it. LOOK OUT FOR: 'The Deal Celebrities', The 3lb BASS road signs outside the pub as you go to Sainsburys. THE STRAND You either dislike the Strand or you hate it. But still this is where most people go. They used to have live bands on a Tuesday and Frank and Rodger used to spend many a happy night here. We now think that this may have stopped. Conrad and Jacob are 2 pot smoking madmen who play here every Sunday, one of them is related to Frank. DON'T use the jukebox. On Fridays and Saturdays huge Q's form by 9:30. On these nights its very loud, and very full. They play MC Hammer, which says it all really. If you do go in, sit near the front and hurl abuse at people. It stays open till 12. Alas they don't do Pork Scratchings and the DJ has big pants. For some reason Bungie always goes here. Frank likes it. LOOK OUT FOR: ' 'The Deal Celebrities' THE KINGS HEAD Great in the summer cause you can sit outside with a great view of The Pier. If your 'ard or stupid you can also do this in the winter. Its expensive though, and Mr Pika has boycotted it. It is rumored that he goes next door to the much cheaper Port Arms (see below) and buys pints their, though this cannot be confirmed for legal reasons. With recent changes to the Hole, and the death of the Penn, The Kings Head is the most consistent of the main town pubs. In the winter they run a quiz which 3lb BASS used to go to and win cause its easy. LOOK OUT FOR: Ron Atkinson (who lives under the pub). THE BRICKMAKERS ARMS Is very cheap and is one of the few pubs left with a pool table. They sell Pork Crackles. Its small, but very cheap. Until recently it was full of kids, but they seem to have given way to a number of angry people, which is very entertaining. Because of its location we only tend to 'Hit The Bricks' when we are on a long session which has begun somewhere up Mill Hill. LOOK OUT FOR: Ken Livingstone, who intends to move the whole pub to Kensington now that he has been made Lord Mayor and Ruler Of London. THE MILL INN Has changed a lot over the last couple of years. Brian the barman has gone and it is no longer as dark. They still have live bands on most weekends and it still good for watching the football as they have a big screen. Band nights dont seem to be as popular as they were, and are sometimes replaced by a meet Eric Bristo evening. The great thing about the Mill is the proximity of the Kebab shop, so you can even have a mid evening snack. LOOK OUT FOR: Deal Bands. THE FORESTER Is far too far to walk. THE BOHEMIAN Used to be The Antwerp. Like the Mill Inn it has been painted blue. When they changed the pub they got rid of the pool table and they have taken ACHTUNG BABY off the jukebox, which is very bad. What is nice is that they sell nice odd beers from all over the world and they have a little beer garden, which has good music piped into it. There are also big leather sofas inside which I reckon you could fall asleep on. Iain loves to drink the foreign beers and its always very full, they have an upstairs too which is unique to the town we think. When the refurbishments were carried out a Vietnam architect was employed. Alas he seems to have made the mistake of sizing the toilets to make them suitable for a typical 'Charlie Bolt Hole'. This means that only one grown man at a time can enter, and he will need to have spent a few days off the kebabs or drunk enough Leffe to totally bugger his sense of scale. LOOK OUT FOR: Borris. Kens dad. (Not together) THE CLARENDON Doesn't let most people in any more, and as a result it has lost its top billing as place to be to watch a fight. It has been replaced by the Quarterdeck as the after pub place to be. Matt always gets attacked by old smelly GIN MEN who think they know him. This is odd. The Clari has undergone massive refurbishment in order to remove the American bloke who wants to 'do' your girlfriend. They have taken away the switch under the seat which Pikastu used to frighten drunk men. Nowadays it seems that you can go there to find Jeff Crabs and a host of country'n'western live bands, and probably some dead ones too, though not necessarily at the same time. Seems to be used a lot for wedding stuff, current status with the Bass unconfirmed at present, ie, none of us have been pissed there and therefore seen if they throw us out or not... We have been going to the Clari regularly now, and are pleased to say its pretty good. It doesnt have much charecter, and it doesnt play rock music, but you get a candle to mash up and we havent been barred yet. It also stays open till midnight and has a good selection of nuts. Turn up late and you will often find yourself in the middle of a wedding reception, which is great for sausage rolls. ALBY'S (VELVET UNDERGROUND) R.I.P Used to be great cause the ceiling fell in on the dance floor, nearly killing Ken. Alas it has been closed, and is now called... THE GAY BAR / THE ACADEMY Isn't actually a Gay Bar, but then as far as we can tell its not actually an Academy either. Infact its a kind of sports bar. It has lots of TV's and a projected TV screen too. The best thing is that you can sit on the big leather sofa's and have a brilliant view of the dance floor, and as a result good bums... Leather sofa's have gone. On Fri/Sat nights it seems to be very much like a 'New Strand'. They both play the same type of music and cater for the 'WKD' generation, and those who want to pretend they are part of it. Rumours abound that it may be a live band venue on Sundays, this would be great. PORT ARMS Isn't a Port at all. But they do sell Port in vast amounts. Their special 'Port & Lager' drink is especially popular. It is made by mixing together 'Port & Lager'. Iain drinks this by the pint and he claims it lets him see better in the dark. It has a pool table, but has replaced the random jukebox for one which works. It used to be nice and dark and threatening in here, but it has been revamped and is now made entirely out of wood. We think the main fault with this pub is that it is a weird mix of pub and restaurant, not really being either. Yoou do get big food portions though. LOOK OUT FOR: People eating meals who take up all the room, the fact that the jukebox is to quiet and you cant hear the songs you just paid for. THE NEW INN Seems quite old. It alsways seems quite expensive, but has a prime position on the High Street next to the Strand. You can normally get a seat in here no matter how full it is. If you wana go the Strand and their is a que, drop in here for a pint while you wait. In the summer you can sit in the highstreet and drink beer, this offers a unique view of old people going into Boots the chemist to get their huge bags of pills. LOOK OUT FOR: 3lb BASS graffiti in the men's toilet cubicle. Terry Pratchett drinks in here sometimes and tells everyone stories about Dresden. THE WALMER CASTLE Is the Queen Mums favorite pub. Well it was. The best thing about this pub is watching football here on the big screen when everyone goes mad and you can jump up and down on the seats. It has a Sci-Fi theme and two enormous dogs. The dogs have gone missing. and so have the Sahara hot nuts. This is really sad as we loved them both. Lots of great crazy people go here, and their is a kebab shop just across the road. LOOK OUT FOR: Kens mad Uncle Martin who works behind the bar. Iains high scores on the machine (where he is called BAZ because you cant write BASS). THE ADMIRAL PENN R.I.P. Is the secret haunt of Deals elite, and all sorts of famous people drink here. They have rugs on the tables and have great 70's music playing all the time. You can eat their Chili nuts out of a bowl, and read a newspaper or the NME, or you can get the Pistachio nuts and work out football formations with the shells. The Penn is great, they have pidgeons fixed to the ceilings, fantastic purple candles and is very cozy. In short we cant recommend it enough, except you should try and stagger your trips here so that we don't loose our seats. Its also owned by Ronald Koeman, the dutch football legend and his family, and is ideal for a nice quite pint, or six. We will always be here on the night they turn on Deals Christmas light outside St G's and most others too. They have now stopped serving pistachio nuts which is a real shame. We asked the landlady why and she said, "because they make to much mess." That would be our fault then, working out football systems, making boats and wax shapes. LOOK OUT FOR: Deal celeb's, nut bowls and our favorite barmaid. This pub has just shut and we are gutted. Really gutted. THE BOATHOUSE Is situated at the front of the Royal Hotel (sea side) and we are going here a lot at the moment. You can sit outside right by the beach, (and right by the number 316 which is painted on the seafront promonade) which is nice or maybe inside on the high table. We are the only people who have this as our local, cause it is top secret. This means its great for a quiet drink and we can always get a seat. Occasionaly it gets busy with people eating meals, but they soon fade away. The toilets are fantastic and have their own radio station, often playing opera or Frank Sinatra. Budgie works in here too so that's nice. The Boathouse is getting busier than it was as its fame spreads, but we are the only real locals. THE CAMBRIDGE ARMS Along the Strand by the old barracks entrance is the Cambridge Arms. It has been a sort of sports pub, and a sort of biker pub, but all of this is just pretend. Underneath its a good solid pub with wooden floors and tables. We dont go here much, but that's a location issue rather than a choice thing. LOOK OUT FOR: Motorbike Stuff. The big Barrel outside, which is one of the towns best pub signs.. THE ADMIRAL KEPPEL Not the biggest pub ever, but very old school. Its situated on the end of Rodgers estate in Upper Deal. We normally visit on bonfire night for some reason. It has nice seating area out the back and a TV, and is one of the most interesting and oldest buildings in Deal we reckon. They sometimes have live music too, which is cool and the footy is normally on. LOOK OUT FOR: Mrs Parry. THE ALMA Is now one of our favorite pubs, and the one where we are most likely to be found playing a gig. This is because of the pub bit, it has a big function room out the back. The pub itself also has two pool tables, some comfy seats, a big TV screen and a digital jukebox and lots of entertaining people. Everyone should go here as they are putting on a lot of local bands and this is good. LOOK OUT FOR: 3lb BASS gigs, lots of pool tables. THE MAGNET Situated around from the town in the 'Upper Deal' area is the fantastic Magnet. This gets a Fantastic rating for a number of reasons. Rather than changing into a winebar thing like most locals the owners have put a little more thought into it. It has a TV, Pool table, BarBilliards table, Dartboard, Juke box and best of all AC COMPUTER WHICH YOU CAN USE TO ACCESS THE INTERNET!!! (We advise anyone using this to set www.3lbbass.co.uk as the home page and set a picture of Frank as the wallpaper). Add to this the greatest selection of pub snacks in the town and you have a realy good pub. Shame the walk to town is quiet long. THE DEAL HOY Has possibly the greatest name of any pub in the lovely town. Its best used as a winter pub as it is the hottest place on earth, sells old beer and has books, lots of pictures and some sofa's. This pub has been used as an early stop on the Christmas Pub Crawl to great effect. Iain says: 'You know a pub is dangerous when it has a bike outside'. This pub would be a great place to drink lots of Guiness and then fall asleep. LOOK OUT FOR: The SOUNDHOUSE boys, the big cricket picture which includes Iain.. There are 47 other great pubs, and if I can be bothered they will be described at a later time. For Free beer and Porkscratching's we can be persuaded to make a review extra nice. "DYNAMO DRESDEN! ICH BIN ROMMEL. ICH MOCHTE EINE KEBAB OR MAYBE DIE MUSOLINNI PIZZA. IST DER PLACES FOR ZIE FOOD AUF DEAL, BITTE?" Yes Rommel!! If you are after something to eat then you are in the right place if you are in Deal! Here are a few ideas for you and your German buddies. The MAGNET has the greatest selection of pub snacks in the world. PORK SCRATCHING'S You can get good pork scratching's from the following pubs: The MILL INN (get a cheaper packet from the Co-op next door!) The PORTARMS The BRICKMAKERS ARMS The MAGNET You used to be able to get them form The RAILWAY (where they used to sell cockles too, which was genius), but since the revamp this may well have changed. PEANUTS These are our current favorite bar snack and while most places do sell them, the ADMIRAL PENN is the greatest nut pub in the world (see above). Although, because of us they seem to have stopped doing pistachios. Obviously the PENN has now shut. This means that only standard issue nuts are in supply now in town. This makes us sad. The Walmer Castle used to do hot Sahara nuts, but these have gone too. The Clarindon is now best nut pub, as you can put them in the candles, while as usual The MAGNET seems to have the best selection. FISH AND CHIPS There are loads of good Fish and Chip shops in Deal. Try these: RONS MILL ROAD: Used to be great, but has been taken over. It appears to have been repainted by a 3 year old with a lovely blue and yellow colour mix. Maybe the food is good but the shit decor has really put us off. What were you thinking? MILL HILL: Is now owned by the people from the Chinese next door. You can get food and sit on the mini roundabout which is great. SCARDENS: Is it still called Scardens? probably not, its the one hidden down Middle Street, probably the best Fish and Chip shop in town, certainly if you are sitting down to eat. Burnt down the other week (should be back to normal soon). Yes it is. STARFISH: Great for cheap Sausage/Fish and chip meals, especially if you are old and just done your shopping in Sommerfield's. KEBAB'S The STARFISH is the most central. Good Kebabs and the best chips in Europe. If your lucky you get whole chili's. They also do normal Chip shop stuff. (we think this may have shut for Kebabs, but we dont go this way at the moment so we will let you know when we do). The NORTH END KEBAB shop is quite a walk. It is part of the Muzzie Kebab shop Chain. They have a bath that you can use. The MILL HILL KEBAB shop is also worth a visit. 'Do you want Salt with that' bloke is worth the walk alone. The self styled BEST KEBAB is ok for kebabs but better for Pizza's, you can throw these all over the road and they still taste great! THE LOBSTER POT R.I.P. Used to be full of entertaining old people and apart from Budgie was exclusively staffed by people from Sir Rodger Manwoods, who all wore yellowish/white shirts. They all used to stay their all the time, regardless of whether they are being paid or not. Some of the LOBSTER CREW have moved on to the ROYAL HOTEL now. CHINESE FOOD The little shop down QUEEN STREET is recommended. Its central and the food is good. You have to pay for extra forks unless you get in with the mad old woman, which obviously we do. She calls Stu 'Railway Boy' and gives us as many prawn crackers as we can eat. TERRIBLE NEWS!! The old lady has 'retired' and this makes us very very sad. A young bloke now takes the orders, he is nice enough, but we want the old lady back! Matt likes the HEY HEY, just 'cause of its name. And their is the one by The Cambridge Arms, which is nice. You get plastic trays here. INDIAN FOOD Obviously it has to be the GOLDEN CURRY opposite Alldays in MILL ROAD. The food can take a while to cook. LOOK OUT FOR: The picture of a KFC meal on the menu. People running past very late at night with Bikes, Fridges, Sofa's, Fences etc. The STAR OF BENGAL curry house near the arcade has just had a new sign which is nice. Its good cause you can get a take away and eat it under the pier. Mind you, you will probably ruin your trousers!! The MILAD is best for a meal out though. Its good value and very nice inside. At a later date we will get MATT to give a more in-depth discussion into eating in Deal "MICHAEL BALLACK! ICH BIN ROMMEL. IT SEEMS DAT ICH WIL BE SPENDING GROSSE TIME AUF DEAL. VOT ELSE KANST DU REKOMENDEN, BITTE?" Yes ROMMEL!! There are lots of other places to look out for why you are here! SAINSBURY'S Frank used to work here, but doesn't anymore. It used to be very good, and Bungie & Rodger were the very first customers (they got on the front page of the Mercury for that), but then Rodger & Mr Pika put a curse on it. You can read about all that later in the stories, when we get round to writing them. 'SURE POO' SIGN This was situated opposite Deal castle. We made it. It was the greatest sign ever. And now it's been replaced by a silly "Leisure Centre" sign which seems untamperable. We'll see though. LIVERPOOL ROAD SIGN Was last seen in a big field in Sandwich. While you are in Deal you could also visit WALMER and SHOLDEN which are nice places. St Margaret's is extra nice, and Frank assures me that Kingsdown is great. AVOID Studdal whatever you do! If you go to Sandwich and are clever you can find the sign which says HAM SANDWICH (Unless Mr Pika has stolen it.) "BRATWURST,ICH BIN ROMMEL. DANKE FOR DER HELPEN. ICH WILL ASKEN ZU MORE QUEZzTIONS WAN ICH KAN BE BOTHERD."